Let's hope it wasn't India's 9/11

The terrorist attacks on Mumbai have been called "India's 9/11" by a number of media outlets. That Terrorist attacks scares me. If this was India's 9/11, does that mean that sometime in the future, America is going to have a 11/26? I hope not. I’ve looked at the statistics and, trust me, Americans are quite good at shooting each other. They don't need any help from foreigners.

What scares me even more is the war that might result from India’s 9/11. I mean, haven't the people of Iraq suffered enough? They really don't need another country invading them. It would be a shame if American troops left Iraq in 2009 and Indian troops replaced them in 2010. That might seem like a positive outcome for President Obama, but he’d have trouble convincing Americans that he wasn’t just taking outsourcing to a whole new level.

You might think it's ridiculous to believe that India would invade Iraq. But let’s face facts: Iraq was just as responsible for India's 9/11 as it was for America’s. So don’t be surprised if, sometime in 2011, Indian soldiers do what Americans did several years earlier: pull Saddam Hussein out of a hole and put him on trial. (Chances are, he’ll be a lot more cooperative this time.)

Invading Iraq would be just one of many responses to India’s 9/11, if history is any indication. Before that, India would invade a more blameworthy country, one whose name ends with “stan.” (Sorry, I don't mean to scare my readers in Tajikistan.)

India would also tighten airport security and make flying a little harder for all darker-skinned people. People from the north would glide through airport security with no hassles; people from the south would take the train.

Flying would be particularly difficult for people with Muslim names, such as actor Shahrukh Khan, and people who wear turbans, such as Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

Security official: “Sorry, Dr. Singh, this is just a random search. Do you mind if I run this metal detector randomly across your body?”

Singh: “Please do it fast. I need to catch a flight to a Navy ship, so I can make a speech under a banner that says ‘Mission Accomplished.’”

Another notable consequence of India’s 9/11 would be the creation of the India Patriot Act. It would allow the authorities to round up suspected terrorists, detain them and torture them –- sort of like they do now. It would also allow the authorities to eavesdrop on phone conversations and other communication, search homes and property without a warrant, and freeze various accounts, including bank, credit card, and, worst of all, Facebook.

India’s 9/11 would result in the loss of many freedoms, including freedom of speech. Newspaper columnists and others would be reluctant to criticize the government, fearing that they’ll be labeled “unpatriotic.” Many of them would instead search for ways to show their patriotism: Older people would display the Indian flag on their cars; younger people would tattoo it on their foreheads. Older people would stand upright, with their hands over the hearts, during the national anthem; younger people would turn down the volume on their iPods.

But the loss of freedom would be nothing compared to the loss of life. The victims of India’s 9/11 would include countless innocent people in Iraq and that country ending with “stan," far more than the terrorists dreamed of killing. Few Indians would keep count, of course. The media would give them only the important numbers, such as the number of Indian soldiers killed, the number of Indian lives lost and the number of theaters showing Shahrukh Khan's movies.

India's 9/11? Let's hope not.